When Feeding is Frustrating

I'm over at Kindred Mom today sharing an essay I wrote called When Feeding is Frustrating. If ever you've felt that your child's picky eating is perhaps your fault, this read is for you!

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He’s there with us at the table, so we’ll count that as a win I guess. His three-year-old form takes an occasional sip of milk before he stands on his chair and turns in a circle and I must remind him once again to stay seated. He’s politely declined (we insist on always using good manners) all of the items I’ve prepared for dinner tonight. Just like yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that. 

It’s hard for me, the dietitian and nutrition “expert” by degree and the frustrated mom by day, to watch this scene unfold. Inwardly I cringe. All he is having at dinnertime these days is milk. My mind begins to scroll through the options. Perhaps I should stop serving milk at our dinner meal? What time has he been eating his afternoon snack? Could it be that he isn’t hungry at the dinner hour? Perhaps I’m serving dinner too late, and I’ve missed his prime eating window. Maybe forcing him to take a bite just once won’t be an issue?

It’s like my husband was reading my mind. He observes our son’s eating (or more accurately, his lack of eating) and lays down the law. 

“Have you even tried your meat?” he queries. “And what about your green beans? You need to take a bite before you can be excused.” 

I flinch. I know as soon as I hear the words said aloud they don’t sit well with me. While it is hard to watch my son turn down the rainbow of color on the table, it is harder still to swallow the idea of forcing him to eat. This is not the way I want to go about nourishing my kids.

I begin to wonder if he is so particular about food because of me. I was much more intentional with feeding my older two in those early years. I made most of their food from scratch. I was sure to expose them to all sorts of flavors and textures from the get-go. My son, however, had a very different eating experience. When it came time to introduce him to solids, we were living in a constant state of chaos and transition. We had sold our little condo, and we planned to “spend only the summer” residing with my in-laws, while we searched for a new place to call home. A hot Seattle house market and incessant bidding wars sent our dream of getting a house spiraling down the drain. Half a year passed while I tried to balance working part-time, playing mom to three offspring, meal planning, grocery shopping and cooking for my extended family (our “payment” for living with them) all while scavenging Redfin obsessively for potential new homes to tour. 

I barely had a second to think about solids for my growing babe. Introducing new foods involved me tossing a string cheese or banana back to the rear-facing car seat behind me and praying my son didn’t choke as I drove to meet our agent at the next house. It wasn’t an ideal situation. 

To read full post, click here.

"Too Spicy!"

It’s safe to say I might have left a few of you hanging, promising to do a blog series on feeding kids, pumping out one post and then falling radio silent on the topic. For anyone who has been waiting, thank you for hanging in there.

I set up the framework for my approach to feeding kids by outlining the Division of Responsibility in a recent post here. If you haven’t already done so, I hope you will go back and read it.

Before we get any further, I want to level the playing field. I want to assure you that I struggle with feeding my kids too. I don’t have perfect little eaters. For a brief, conceited blip in time, I thought I did (ha! keep reading), but the reality is, none of us do. Please be assured that I don’t come at this from a place of having it all together. But I certainly hope you will find my tricks and tips and insight helpful as we journey this together.

I remember my first year as a mom. I couldn’t wait for the six-month milestone to arrive so that we could dust off the high chair I’d been storing in the closet of our condo, the very first baby item I’d purchased, mere months into our pregnancy. Of course that would the first baby-related “necessity” I would come home with, despite the fact that it wouldn’t be needed for an entire year. That high chair joined our clan on one of those hormonally-charged-we-must-get-everything-ready-RIGHT-NOW days that every woman who has ever been pregnant knows well. Somehow buying a high chair, the bump around my middle barely visible, satisfied my nesting urges that day.

We welcomed our daughter, survived the sleepless nights that made up that first half-year and then it was finally time. I was eager to venture into the world of solid foods, bound and determined to raise a super eater. I was sure she was going to like everything, never complain and jump at the opportunity to try new things.

Puffy with pride and confident in my background as a dietitian, I forged ahead in feeding her. I made baby food from scratch. I seasoned her purees with cumin, chili powder, even cayenne pepper, hoping “make” my daughter like spice and heat. Regarding all those parents I heard complaining about their picky kids, well, they were obviously just doing it wrong, I thought to myself.

I must confess that in those early months, I honestly believed I was on to something. My daughter did in fact consume her spicy purees without issue. She tried everything I gave her. People complimented me on having “such a good little eater” and I took full credit for all our successes.

That is, until we hit 18 months, and everything changed.

“Too spicy!” my verbal child would suddenly wail. She began refusing foods, and not just the spicy ones. The girl who, just days prior, was eating me out of house and home, was now turning things down right and left. I immediately grew concerned. What happened? What went wrong? I felt embarrassed and ashamed that my child, the daughter of a dietitian, was showing signs of pickiness, while an audience looked on.

As it turns out, nothing went wrong with her eating. Simply put, toddlerhood happened. My daughter was merely transitioning into a new developmental phase that was completely normal, yet it caught me totally by surprise because I was unprepared.

Alas, my pride bubble burst and I was quick to learn that in fact it wasn’t my “stellar feeding skills” that landed me with such a compliant eater during that glorious first year. It was the developmental phase she was in and her personality to which I owed the credit. This second year of life brought with it new surprises and my daughter became just like all the other “picky eaters” I’d been hearing about. The only difference being that she had a cuckoo mother who was spiking her food with chiles.

Most of our “parental feeding worries” stem from incomplete or inaccurate information regarding the normal nutritional stages that our kids go through as they develop. It’s easy to get our panties in a wad, stress out, and take it as a personal failure when our kids aren’t eating the way WE think they should.

  

Have you had a similar experience with a child who suddenly grows skeptical over a previously-accepted food? Would you call your child a “picky eater?” Does your child ever get stuck on one particular food item and ask for that same one, over and over again? Does your child’s appetite seem erratic? Is he or she easily influenced by what those around him or him are eating? Does your child have a strong affinity for sweets?

Well, guess what. I have great news for you:

YOUR CHILD IS NORMAL!!!

You can breathe a sigh of relief now. Though learning that your child’s eating behaviors are normal doesn’t make them any less frustrating, I hope it will allow you to let your stress level drop a couple notches. Your child is not “too far gone” in their eating patterns. In fact, they may just be passing through a normal nutritional phase, some taking their sweet time on a more scenic route.

Be encouraged, the feeding challenges of today won’t last forever. You are just passing through.

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Stay tuned for my next post where I will dive into some normal nutritional phases in greater detail...

The Division of Responsibility

Remember that time, back in your childhood maybe, when you found yourself alone at the table, minutes, maybe hours even after the mealtime had passed, staring a pile of green something-or-other in the face?  Yeah, I think we all do.  The phrase "You may NOT get down from the table until your plate is clean," uttered emphatically by our parents, echoes fresh in our minds like it was just yesterday.  They meant well, really they did, but I think there are better ways to raise up healthy eaters than to engage in battle.

Although I am a nutrition expert by title, let me assure you that I'm right there in the trenches with you, maneuvering the challenges of feeding my own kids.  Feeding children is HARD and I've watched many-a-mealtime go downhill as it morphed into a battle of wills.  My growing passion is to help change the way families approach the table by removing some of the power struggles that can easily develop around food and mealtimes.  Since our kids will not reside under our roofs forever, my goal is to help others empower their kids to make their own good choices.  Are you in?

In our society, there is so much focus on WHAT to feed our kids and so little focus on HOW to feed them.  I'll fess up.  I like to go "under cover" when we go to my kids' well check ups.  Who knows, maybe it's written in giant red letters on the outside of each of their charts "SHE'S A DIETITIAN" but really, I just want to know what doctors are telling parents without a nutrition background about feeding their kids.  My children have an incredible pediatrician and you couldn't pay me money to switch to anyone else.  They have received wonderful medical care throughout the courses of their lives.  But, I must confess I've been a bit surprised by scarcity of how-to feeding guidance that has been provided to me.

So if you're looking for a little more guidance on this big, rather important topic, I can point you to some resources that can help.  Many of my favorites were created created by a fellow dietitian, Ellyn Satter, and I would highly recommend her books "Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense" and "Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family" if you are struggling in any way with feeding your kiddos.  She also has a wonderful website with a lot more information if you are looking for additional resources. 

Before we begin the actual act of feeding our kids, we need to build a foundation and lay some ground rules.  And I think the best way to start this is by introducing you to "The Division of Responsibility," also known as "The Golden Rule of Feeding," which was developed by Ellyn Satter. In it, Satter outlines our responsibilities in feeding as the parents, and our kids' responsibilities as the ones being fed.  I believe having a clear framework that differentiates our jobs and from our kids' jobs is essential for maneuvering the endless eating and feeding obstacles our kids will throw our way. In the same way that establishing a family system of rules regarding how we treat and store our belongings helps keep us from living in constant chaos, operating under the Division of Responsibility in feedings helps us determine when to intervene in a feeding situation and when to let go. 

Okay, so what is this Division of Responsibility? Here goes!

Division of Responsibility

THE PARENT is responsible for...

-WHAT

-WHEN

-WHERE

...foods are offered.

THE CHILD is responsible for...

-HOW MUCH

-WHETHER

...they choose to eat.

If I totally just blew your mind, go back and read it again. 

Did you let the words sink in? 

You as the parents get to decide WHAT foods to serve, WHEN to serve those foods and WHERE to serve them (at the table, on a bench at the park etc).  Your child gets to decide HOW MUCH of those foods you served to eat and even WHETHER he or she wants to eat them at all. 

Have you heard of this approach before?  Are you following it?  Or does it sound totally foreign and maybe even foolish?  (Why yes, I just said your kid gets to opt out of eating the food you worked so hard to prepare.  How super annoying is that, right!?)  But don't bail on me and call it all blasphemy.  There is so much more I want to tell you. 

While you may not just yet be able to fathom how this methodology works in practice, I'm guessing it is news to no one that our relationship with food in the United States leaves something to be desired. Obesity is affecting kids at younger and younger ages, eating disorders are rampant and body image issues continue to wreak havoc on kids and adults alike.  I imagine you can rattle off a whole list of personal food and body struggles as easily as you can your own phone number.  Many of us have lost the ability to enjoy eating without guilt, we've lost our hunger and satiety cues after drowning them out for so long, and we don't know how to confidently nourish our bodies.  Let's do our kids a favor and not pass on all our junk, shall we?

When I first learned about the Division of Responsibility, it went against nearly every grain in my body and I didn't think there was any way it could "work."  If I didn't force my daughter to eat her broccoli, "How would she ever eat broccoli?", I wondered.  As a type-A, self-proclaimed control freak, the idea of letting my child decide whether to eat made me feel very uncomfortable. How would I make sure she was getting everything she needed? 

Well, the thing is, I totally DO still have a say in what my kids eat because I am the one who gets to decide what I offer.  Since I am responsible for choosing which foods to prepare, it guarantees me a degree of control, at least when we are eating at home (when they are in others' homes, we are at the mercy of our hosts but I firmly believe that is healthy and ok).  Though my kids can opt to refuse what I serve, if I only serve nutritious options and don't break the Division of Responsibility and allow them to short-order something else for dinner, then what they consume will be healthy.  Are you following?

The truth is, sometimes, OK, a lot of times, actually, my kids don't eat vegetables.  But I don't sweat it (I will get to America's odd obsession with kids and their veggie intake in a later post...)  I don't freak out when my kids turn down vegetables at one or two or even twenty-two meals.  I have studied what is normal developmentally for children of different ages and know that it takes time and practice to learn to eat well. Thankfully, one meal or one week of meals or even one month of meals isn't the be-all end-all.  Our goal should be to aim for a variety of foods and a rainbow of colors over a period of time.  Not every plate will be perfectly balanced and that's OK.

If food fights are commonplace in your home right now and you wouldn't exactly describe your child's diet as "healthy," take heart.  You certainly aren't alone!  You would be amazed at how many battles are instantaneously defused when a child realizes you aren't going to force them to eat.

Feeling overwhelmed and confused?  That's okay.  We are just scratching the surface.  In the days and weeks ahead, I hope to dive into these concept even deeper, providing you with specific feeding "jobs" as parents that will help you wrap your mind around how this all works.  I also plan to flesh out what maintaining the Division of Responsibility looks like in practice with real kids and real situations, because we all know it's one thing to read something on paper and it's a whole different ball of wax to try and apply it to a specific scenario, right?  All right, more soon.

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Freedom From Food Fights - A New Series!

Let me see a show of hands – How many of you have ZERO concerns about how your children are eating? You are experiencing perfectly-smooth mealtimes and feel totally confident that your kids are getting everything they need and that they will grow up to be excellent eaters. Yes?

Anyone?

Gosh, it feels quiet out there.

If I were a betting woman, I would be willing to put my entire “Dream Kitchen Savings Fund” on the line (which is obviously a LOT of money because freelance writing is known for bringing in the bacon - read: I have yet to get paid a penny but I digress…) and venture to guess that no one out there is feeling perfectly secure about how and what their kids are eating. Yeah, me neither. Just because I have the head knowledge does not make me immune to the pressures of our culture and all the mama guilt about “doing things right.” I worry, just like the rest of you, about whether my kids are going to go their entire childhoods never allowing a green vegetable to pass through their lips. I wonder how many sweets are “too many.” I second guess whether it is really okay that my son, despite the plethora of options before him, consumes only milk for dinner 5 out of 7 nights a week. I get it, people. I’m in the trenches with you.

For a lot of us, mealtimes have turned into something approach with fear and trepidation and even dread. Food fights are rampant. We wonder…

“What tricks will my kids try and pull tonight?”

“Will they even taste anything that I prepare?”

Maybe things have grown so difficult around mealtimes your home that you find yourself asking “Is it even worth it to cook anymore?”

Or maybe you aren’t cooking because life is overwhelming, and time is scarce, and cooking isn’t really your thing, yet the guilt is SO HEAVY and you fear you are ruining your kids forever.

You have come to the right place. Pull a chair up to the table. There is room for you here, too.  

Over the course of my career, my passion for feeding kids has evolved. I have struggled personally since becoming a mom and I have watched those close to me struggle and grow frustrated with feeding their kids. I have spent a lot of time studying this subject area and I see a need for a better approach. I’m excited to share some strategies that I have learned from my professional life as a registered dietitian that will help you face the challenges head on with confidence.

If any of these struggles I’ve highlighted are the trenches where you find yourself, welcome. You might feel alone but there are approximately 126.22 million other families feeling just like you (2017 U.S. census data) so join the party and read on!

I’m launching into a series on my blog where I will dive into some of the common feeding challenges parents express to me and how to handle them. I have many posts already written that I will be re-sharing as well as a whole bunch of ideas for new ones, yet to be written. I would love to hear from you if there is a particular struggle that you would like me to address. Feel free to leave a comment on the blog (or any of my social media platforms) or send me an email and I will do my best to dive into some of your specific concerns and challenges.

You might be surprised that in most cases, the answer is much simpler than you think.

Stay tuned.

Dinner Time Dread

I have reached a point where I absolutely dread dinner time. Now that's saying a lot for a foodie who lives and breathes for her next meal. It is also a little melodramatic given that most of this dinner time loathing stems from the recent behaviors of the tiniest human in my house: my three-year-old. It's amazing how much power those littlest humans can pack in there.

My son's vocabulary is ever-expanding and he's got a pretty strong will hidden behind that sweet demeanor of his. He's been exercising his independence and isn't shy about telling me how he really feels about my cooking, hence my recent frustrations.

Some of his latest mealtime favorites have included:

"I hate this."
"That's gross."
"Where is the other dinner?"
"What else are we eating?"
"It feels yucky in my mouth."
"This is weird."

Feeding him is an absolute delight. (Ahem, there was a twinge a sarcasm in that last sentence, in case you missed it).

A few too many meals of late have concluded with him chucking the undesired food items onto the floor and me resting my head in my hands in total defeat. My perceptive seven-year-old typically jumps in following these escapades with a quick interjection of "Mom, I'm sorry we are making you feel sad about the dinner you made." To which I usually lie "Oh honey, you aren't making me sad."

I can think a few other things that infuriate me more than a delicious dinner "wasted" on my children.

Anyone with me on this?

Before I go on, my head tells me that I must interject. I know my emotional brain is taking precedence over my rational brain (ha! when is it ever not?!) Intellectually, I recognize (and in fact would preach to you) that a meal is never "wasted" on our kids. But it doesn't change the reality that it so often feels like it!

So I will preach this to us both: each time we expose our kids to food, it's progress. Each time they see us eating matters. What's going on inside them might seem like mindless data entry to us - totally pointless, a blur of meaningless perpetual figures. But eventually the cumulative effect of all the entries amounts to something. Also I would like add that it is so important that we take our kids' food rejections in stride (i.e. my hiding of my face in my hands probably isn't my strongest move but we all have our moments...) As tough as it may be, pull on your big kid parenting panties and let the fact THAT YOUR KID WON'T EAT A DARN THING (!!!!!!!) slide right off your back, as if it were the most soothing behavior you could ever envision. Imagine you are getting a massage. Think about Hawaii. Pull out the big guns and put on your poker face. Do whatever you have to do to put forth the attitude that it doesn't phase you one bit that your kid isn't eating.

Now, I'm not at all promoting lying here, but I do truly believe that sometimes you have to act on something first as if you believe it and then the feelings follow. In time, as your kids grow accustomed to your I-Don't-Care-Whether-You-Eat-It-Or-Not game face, they will realize fighting with you over food is no longer a means to get your goat. It's no longer a fight when you lose your opponent. Which one of you is going to be the first to back down?

Needless to say, I realize that no one wants every meal to feel like a disaster (myself included!) so here are a few things you might want to consider if your child is really throwing it down each time you sit down at the table.

Are you offering at least one food you know your child loves? It could be as basic as some sliced fruit or a cup of milk - don't make it complicated. But be sure to always include one known and familiar food item on the table at every meal so that there is something you know your child will feel comfortable eating (preferably also make sure that one food item is a healthy one). Your child is learning how to eat and this can be a scary thing sometimes. As you expose them to new foods, be sure to offer a familiar one alongside to help them feel more comfortable. Depending on your child's personality, it is quite likely they won't try the new food on the first or second or even twelfth go around. Know this fact and be OK with it. Try not to view their refusal as total rejection. Their brains are slowly taking in more than you realize and they are watching and learning from your example.

Are all the foods you serve "mixed?" (i.e. are you serving one-pot meals all the time or salads where the meat and starch and veggie all touch each other?) It is developmentally appropriate for many kids to prefer their foods separate in the younger years. They like to experience each item on their own. This is why you might catch your child picking the tiniest fleck of spinach off their piece of stir-fry or painstakingly trying to wipe the green pesto from each piece of pasta. Yes, eventually we want them to enjoy "mixed" foods but you might need to ease them in a little.

In my house, I serve a LOT of one-pot meals. The ease of them is pretty hard to resist. But I've found myself getting so frustrated when my son keeps asking for "more sausage" repeatedly out of one of my favorite one-pot meals: Farro with Chicken Sausage and Apples. I dig around the bowl to find him more sausage and then the ratio of meat-to-starch gets all messed up and then I'm angry that the leftovers will now be low in protein. After doing this one time too many, I decided I needed to tweak the meal a little. I could either significantly increase the amount of sausage in the recipe, or I could try browning some chicken sausage links and then serving the sauteed farro and kale separately on the side. The same thing goes for main dish salads. My kids don't yet eat salads in the traditional sense but if I present them with bowls full of the different ingredients separately (greens, corn, cheese, bacon, hard boiled eggs etc), they will pick and choose what they like and actually eat something. By no means am I saying you need to quit serving soups and stews and main dish salads and the like. I'm just encouraging you to be mindful of what is normal developmentally for kids and get creative if need be. Sometimes just separating out the different ingredients from the dish on your child's plate will make all the difference.

Put the kabosh on disrespectful mealtime commentary. In our house, we are NOT allowed to say negative things about what is being served. Having a rule and following it are two separate issues so this, of course, does not mean these impolite words do not get said (as evidenced by the list of offenses coming from son above). However, when these negative phrases do get said, we correct them immediately. Our kids are allowed to turn down foods but they must do so with a simple "No thank you." They can also tell me that they "don't care for" a particular food item but phrases like "I hate it" and "That's gross" are definitely not permitted and are disciplined. We are mutually respectful at our table - I am respectful of the fact that they are learning to like new foods and they are respectful of the fact that I worked hard to prepare them the meal. When plates or food items are thrown to the floor, the meal ends immediately. No questions. This behavior is simply not allowed.

So, no matter the age of your kids or the particulars of your individual mealtime struggles, be encouraged my friends! Eating well is a skill that your child must learn and it certainly won't happen overnight. I hope these quick tips I shared will be helpful to you today. I'd love to hear what other eating concerns/frustrations you are facing - maybe I will even respond to with strategies on how to address them in a future post! ;)

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(If you are newer to this blog and haven't read any of my prior posts on nutrition and feeding kids, I'd recommend you head on over here to learn more about my approach to feeding. Also feel free to click on the "Feeding" tab at the top of this page for more posts on kids and mealtimes).

The No-Vegetable Diet (i.e. the life of my 2 year old)

I'm going to be honest with you. This kid doesn't do dinner. Allow me summarize his nightly intake for you from this past week:

Sunday
What was served: Chicken/Shrimp Stir-fry with HOMEGROWN Green Beans and Peanut Sauce, Rice, Milk
What he ate: rice with peanut sauce, 2 shrimp, milk.

Monday
What was served: Grilled Nectarine Salad with Steak and Blue Cheese, Cherry Tomatoes, Milk
What he ate: approximately 2 1/2 nectarines, a sip of milk.

Tuesday
What was served: Skillet Chicken and Zucchini Enchiladas, Watermelon, Milk
What he ate: watermelon. Lots and lots of watermelon.

Wednesday
What was served: Tilapia Corn Chowder, Chocolate Zucchini Muffins, Bell pepper strips, Watermelon, Milk
What he ate: muffin, watermelon, milk.

Thursday
What was served: Farfalle and Red Sauce with Meatballs, Green Salad, Milk and WINE
What he ate: pasta, and a couple meatballs.

Ok, so I take that back. He does eat dinner, the carbohydrate parts at least. I guess what I'm really saying is that rarely does he touch the protein option and even rarer still, the vegetable. In my earlier mothering years, this sort of behavior really stressed me out. I am a dietitian, after all. Of course I want my "pupils" to wow the crowds with their love of vegetables. But y'all, this is my third time through the rodeo and let me tell you, fretting over your child's non-vegetable-containing diet is simply not worth your freaking-out energies. Stock pile those for other parenting debacles like sibling rivalry and figuring out how the heck to get your kids to keep their rooms even remotely sort of clean. But don't waste your stress on this one. No, it's simply not worth it and frankly, it will only make things worse.

One of the BEST things you can do for both yourself and your toddler/preschool-aged child is back off and let them pick what they want to eat from the options you serve. Listen up here folks - this is important! I didn't say to let them eat whatever they want. I said let them eat what they want from the options you serve. You still very much have a role here, and an important one at that! Continue to offer balanced meals with plenty of fruits AND vegetables but let go of the worry about whether or not they actually eat them.

THIS NO-VEGETABLE-I-ONLY-WANT-CARBS THING IS ALL SO VERY NORMAL.

Our toddlers and preschoolers are still growing their taste palates. They have a lot of learning yet to do in the eating arena. Believe it or not, eating truly is a learned behavior. It may take awhile but, with continued exposure and great example-setting by their parents, kids will come around and eventually broaden their eating horizons.

Your kids need to see you eating and serving balanced meals. It may not seem like it at times, but their little eyes are always watching, picking up on your example. If you are trying (and enjoying!) the green beans, they will notice and eventually join the party. As your child grows and moves toward the school-aged years, their natural curiosity will increase. One day, some day in the blessed future, you will fall off your chair as you watch your formerly "picky" child reach for the tray of fresh veggies ALL ON THEIR OWN. Trust me, this did eventually happen with my older two and now we are a 3-carton-a-week cherry tomato family, just to keep up with their intakes.

Don't get me wrong, until that day comes, I totally get the worry. I struggle with it sometimes too. Is my kid getting enough protein? Is he getting the vitamins and minerals he needs? Let me address these concerns for you from the perspective of a dietitian: quite honestly, if your child eats absolutely zero veggies but happily eats fruit, you probably have nothing to worry about. If you still can't shake the worry, by all means, give them a multi-vitamin to cover your bases. They need the vitamin D from it anyways. Then do you best to press on ahead, keep serving healthy, balanced meals, accepting that your child will likely decline half of it. This is ok. Allow them to politely pass on a dish with a simple "no thank you," trusting that this is a very normal phase for young kids, particularly in the 2-4 year old range.

In the meantime though, while you are waiting for your kid to wake up and realize they like more than just carbs (ha! I say this only partially in jest...), by all means, step it up and incorporate vegetables in some of your every day recipes. If you, like me, have a child who refuses to touch vegetables on their own, here are some tips on making them a part of the recipes you prepare. (SIDE NOTE: I do not support "hiding" or "sneaking" vegetables into dishes. This sends a subliminal yet very clear message to our kids that vegetables are "bad" or something that we don't enjoy. Rather, I encourage openness when adding vegetables to recipes, toting how they add a rainbow of colors and flavors to the things we eat).

Here are some easy yet non-traditional ways to serve vegetables for the child who won't yet eat them plain:

Add greens to smoothies. This is a novel idea to exactly nobody, I know. I jumped on the smoothie ship about 3 years after it left the port, but hey, at least I'm doing it now. My kids may not always choose fresh veggies when they are presented to them on their own but they WILL drink them in a smoothie. My kids love helping me add the ingredients and operate the blender. NEWSFLASH: kids often are more apt to try something if they get in on the preparation. Some of our favorite green smoothie additions include beet greens from our garden, fresh spinach or kale and grated zucchini. I know it is a bit counter-intuitive to our culture these days but I intentionally have my kids be the ones to add the vegetables to the blender as I WANT them to know they are in there. I'm pretty sure now it wouldn't be a smoothie to them if there WEREN'T vegetables in it.

Add shredded veggies to sauces. Because I accidentally grew The World's Largest Zucchini (please see photo below), we've had a lot of spare grated zucchini lying around. Last night I had my husband throw a handful of it into our pasta sauce and it was delicious. Honestly, I couldn't even tell it was there. You can also do the same thing with grated carrots. Another idea (if you have a crew of pasta lovers like we do), is to switch over to a bolognese meat sauce instead of a generic red. The first step in preparing bolognese is to finely chop a bunch of onions, carrots and celery (I use my food processor to speed up this step). I always increase the amount of veggies called for in the recipe and have never been disappointed with the result. The vegetables are chopped so finely they essentially disintegrate into the sauce, adding delicious flavor, dimension and nutrition to the dish. Voila.

Have a veggie with your carb. I'm on a grated zucchini kick (and I think you all now know why...) It's so versatile and can be added to almost anything - pancakes, waffles, muffins, and cake. Even my favorite chocolate cupcake recipe includes shredded zucchini. Since my son loves him some carbs, I know that he'll get at least a tablespoon or two of vegetables if I throw zucchini in the batter. I'm telling you, every little bit counts!

If you've tried every "trick" in the book and your child still is not eating vegetables, allow me to let you in on a little secret - you are certainly not alone! Most all of us with preschoolers are in the very same boat right along with you. I'd like to let you off the hook a little. I know this isn't what you were raised to believe, but it isn't your job to get your kid to eat their vegetables. Your job is to offer them healthy foods, yes, but it is up to them whether they choose to eat them. It certainly may not feel like it on this day, during this week, in this year, but eventually, eventually they WILL eat them. Maybe not all of them. Maybe not as much of them as you'd like. But at least some of them. Instead of wasting your sweat and tears, pressuring your child to try at least one bite, present to them a colorful spread of a meal, and then pull up a chair, sit back and relax and enjoy your dinner.

This is truly the best gift you can give them.


(***If this is your first time visiting my blog, you can check out more of my approaches to feeding kids on the "Feeding" tab above. I'd recommend you first read this post entitled Freedom From Food Fights that explains the role of parent vs child, also known as the Division on Responsibility, in feeding)

Fearfully and Wonderfully

Lately I've been thinking a lot about our bodies. It could be because its summer and we all find ourselves baring about 43% more skin. Or it could because I'm experiencing a spike in my general dissatisfaction with mine.

I catch myself gazing at my girls, adorned in their swimsuits, running, leaping, completely fearless and unashamed. They are oblivious to this societal notion that our bodies should be viewed as anything other than strong and capable and amazing and beautiful. They stand tall and confident, donning their swimsuits without giving them a second thought. I can't help but grin with pride. I'm so grateful for their self-assurance but at the same time, I'm already stinging for the day when it begins to wane.

Oh how I fear this day when it all changes. When my kids notice me eyeing my own form in the mirror with disgust. When they can't help but witness the teenage girls sunbathing on the dock, obsessing over their appearance. When they overhear the conversations of adults self-loathing their bodies, absorbed in discussions over calories and grams of fat.

Oh Lord, please spare my kids from this mess we've made.

Psalm 139:14 reads "I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know this full well."

Yet as much as my kids believe this truth now, I know one day the world will weasel it's way in and puncture them. The messages of the millions will grow in volume and eventually drown out the mantras that have been preached at home. Someone will say something that will devastate them, words that they will carry with them into their adulthood. 

To be honest, I'm jealous of them. Hidden beneath my shirt is a mid-section that has had havoc wreaked upon it, three times and then some. Stretched and pulled and then shrunk (read: more like shriveled) back down. Some might be surprised to learn body image is an issue for me. But allow me to enlighten you: body image is an issue for ALL of us. I'm as guilty as the rest of them. Even in my profession. It pains me when I find myself critiquing another, thinking thoughts of if only - if only they tightened up a couple muscles here or lost a few pounds there. I too am a part of the problem.

I remember the day well. I was in my early teen years, I think maybe around 7th or 8th grade. I had been homeschooled for the entirety of my education, though I would soon launch into the eye-opening world of public high school. Honestly, my opinion of my body had been spared, being that I was taught at home. I didn't think much about style (trust me, I have pictures of tightly curled short bands and black high top shoes to show for it!!) I didn't know my body was "supposed" to be any different than the way it was. I didn't know about love handles (though admittedly I'm pretty sure I had some). I purchased clothing that fit my body and the number inside the tag meant nothing to me. My peers were beginning to care about the way they looked but, as is still true today, I always jumped aboard the style ship about 6 years after it sailed. I was oblivious but I didn't care (the beauty of oblivion!) 

I was sitting with a friend at church. She said the words in passing, I'm sure she meant them as a compliment. I'm sure her mother intended them as such as well:

"My mom says if you lost 5 or 10 pounds, you would have the body of a model." 

As if they were tattooed across my forehead, I've never been able to forget these words. I had never considered modeling and I didn't care to be one, but that piece didn't matter. Someone had laid the groundwork, they had set the bar. Suddenly I wasn't good enough as is. The line had been drawn and I had been judged. It was one of my earliest, shaping memories that told me I wasn't.

  

We are fed subliminal and blatant messages from a very young age about how are bodies are to look. We are taught to obsess over our calorie intakes, that exercise is a terrible chore and something to dread. In this day and age, kids see their parents typing away on their phones, entering meals consumed into their calorie-tracking apps. We have totally lost contact with the original purpose of food - to be used to energize and to enjoy. In so many cases, what we eat has shifted into something we fear and feel shame over. And it saddens me greatly. Like so many things in this broken world, my heart scream out that this isn't what God intended.      

I am participating in a summer Bible study and we're starting at a very fitting place - at the beginning in the book of Genesis. Adam and Eve, God's newly-created, were in the Garden of Eden and everything was perfect. They had everything they needed - beauty, companionship, food and communion with God. Genesis 2:25 reads that "The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame." 

And then in one swift moment, everything changes. The serpent is cunning and seductive, the teller of lies. He convinces Eve that the forbidden fruit will make her wise and so she eats it and then shares it with Adam. Immediately they were ashamed and they hid.

In chapter 3, God approaches and calls out to them with a simple "Where are you?"

I kind of love this part. The meaning behind God's question runs so much deeper than a simple wondering over their physical location. He knew where they were but I believe what he was really asking was "What happened? I created you perfectly, innocent and unashamed. Where did the YOU I created go?" As a parent, I can imagine the heartbreak he experienced as he witnessed his children, his beautiful creation punctured by sin. By the messiness of this world. 

Like I said, I know the day will come when my kids don't run freely and proudly in their own skin anymore, when the voices of those around them will dampen their spirits and weigh them down. My prayer I guess then is not that they would be entirely spared of this pain I know to be inevitable. But rather that they would experience an extra dose of resilience. That the truths that we are raising them on would eventually prevail - that they are fearfully and wonderfully made. I pray that they would be blessed with more confidence than I and that this confidence would spread like wildfire to everyone they encounter.

Friends, we need to do everything in our power to fight this culture that we live in. Our kids are watching and they are absorbing more than we realize. We need to watch the way we talk about our bodies and what we put into them. If you haven't already done so, I challenge you to reframe your conversations about food and your body. If you are talking about calories, talk about them as energy to fuel our bodies to do incredible things. If you are talking about your legs, talk about how far they can carry you. If you are talking about the fat around your middle, talk about how it insulates and provides protection. If you begin a sentence about any part of your body, finish it with "and isn't it amazing what it can do?" Let's face it. We're going to screw up. But our kids need to literally hear us say the words that they are fearfully and wonderfully made. We need to tell them that God designed their bodies for work and for play and for rest and for pleasure. We are a crushed and hurt and dissatisfied people. Let's do our part to lend a hand to the generations that follow and get the message out there:

FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY.

Period. No ands, ifs or buts about it.

Food Jags

We've entered a new phase in the Crozier household. It's as if my kids read ahead in the textbook and knew it was high time they each advanced to the next stage of feeding challenges. It is fitting, really, given that I have spent the last few weeks preparing to give a talk on feeding kids at a local Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group. My kids like to up their game and really put me to the test whenever I am about to wear my professional hat and put on the name badge as the "expert" on feeding.

My girls have always been carb-o-vores. Pasta is their weakness and their love for it has not wavered (see my post on raising Carbohydrate Lovers). Historically, I have been able to keep them mostly satisfied by serving pasta in one form or another about once a week but recently something shifted (as things often do with kids and food) and this is how dinner has been going down:

Me: "TIME FOR DINNER!!!"

Kids lolligag their way ever so sloooooooowly to the table only after making "just 3 more laps" around our circular floor plan on the scooter, or "quickly finishing" a sewing project that literally hasn't even been started.

Me: "COME TO THE TABLE FOR DINNER!!! NOW."

First kid arrives. She's my middle one, a sensitive yet stubborn soul. She's not yet within two feet from the table before she starts wailing; "No pasta!!? Again!!?!!! We NEVER get to have pasta!!!" Waaaaaaaa. Wail. Cry.

I immediately dismiss her from the kitchen, informing her that attitudes like that are not welcome at my table and she can return when she's ready to appreciate the effort I put forth in preparing her the meal.

I enjoy a few minutes alone in front of the stove (because of course the other two have not yet made the long journey from the next room to the kitchen) and continue putting the finishing touches on dinner.

Five minutes pass, apologies are said and finally, finally I am seated at the table, with the whites of 6 little eyes starring back at me. We eat (or at least those of us who are ok with the fact that we aren't having pasta do) and that is the end of that. For that meal at least.

Welcome to our dinnertime routine, every single night this week.

Things reached a new high on Mother's Day when the boys on my husband's side treated us moms to a lovely pasta lunch after church. My kids of course were in heaven and ate their fill. I expected their ravenous appetites for pasta to be satiated at least for a couple of days but I was delusional. My middle child was just as distraught as she had been in the nights prior when I called her to dinner (only a mere handful of hours after our Mother's Day lunch) to discover, alas, WE WERE HAVING TACOS, not pasta. Such cruel parents we are.

It finally occurred to me what it is we are facing over here - a food jag! A food jag occurs when a child desires one food item or a very small group of food items all the time and at most every meal. It can be very alarming for parents when their child who they would have previously described as a "good eater" gets stuck on one particular food. If this is happening in your house, be reassured! It's oh so very normal.

(Aside: it is also oh so very annoying).

How should one address a food jag?

The thing I recommend first and foremost is to keep yourself comfortable as the parent or caregiver by understanding this is a normal behavior in child development. It can be very frustrating, yes, but it does not mean there is anything wrong with your child.

Secondly, be considerate of your child without catering. Resist the temptation to avoid tension and give in to their requests for the same thing over and over. Keep offering them a variety of foods, focusing particularly on ones you know they have liked in the past (but don't be surprised if they reject them now). Don't eliminate the food jag item entirely but serve it on occasion and within reason. Reassure your child when they ask for their preferred food "we won't be having ______ again tonight but I promise that we will have it again soon."

Remember the Division of Responsibility in feeding (see my separate blog post on this topic). Check yourself and make sure you are only doing the jobs of the what, when and where of feeding. Let your child decide whether they choose to eat at meal and snack times. Do not worry if they choose to eat very little (or none at all!) at a mealtime. Your child will make up for it at another meal or snack.

Keep offering rejected food items. It takes multiple, multiple, MULTIPLE introductions for a child to accept a new food item. Don't give up when they turn their nose up after only one or two exposures. Set an example by eating a variety but resist the temptation to force them to try anything new.

Lastly, remind yourself this is a phase and you will get through it! You and I both. ;)

When feeding gets tough

"Dinner time!"

The announcement slices through the noisy house, beckoning all occupants to cease action and come. But, as usual, it falls on deaf ears. Hungry bellies that have manifested themselves as whiny voices begging for just one more snack all afternoon, are now engrossed elsewhere. Tears have been shed by all of the littles, far more than deserved by their perceived crises.

"Dinner time!!!!"

The call is again met with silence. Mother collapses in her chair, residual stress from the witching hours still pulsing through her veins. She whispers prayers of thanksgiving that no one lost their lives in the making of this meal. Again she tries:

"Come to the table for dinner!!!"

Finally tiny voices respond with "Ok just a minute" and "Let me just finish this one last thing."

"DINNER TIME!!! NOW!" 

This time the tone is sharp. Feet scurry, shuffling, thumping down the stairs. Finally six little eyes appear, peaking over their plates at the food spread before them. They aren't even seated before the oldest one groans "I wanted PASTA for dinner!!" Then the middle child joins in with "Yeah, this is YUCKY!" as the youngest hits the deck screaming "BLUE fork!! I want the BLUE ONE!!" at the top of his little lungs. Mom rises to scoop him off the floor and into his booster seat. He is uncooperative, arching his back in protest. Mother wrestles the toddler into submission and then turns around just in time to watch the middle's elbow jab into her cup, catapulting it across the table. The cup sails through the air, ricocheting off the sliding glass door and landing on the floor, leaving milk contrails streaking down the window. Mother sighs audibly "Every meal." Like clockwork, she had just finished mopping not two hours before, an activity that always precedes the biggest of milk spills. By the time Dad arrives home from work, nearly everyone is crying.

Welcome to dinner time in the Crozier household! 

Does any of this feel familiar? I was struck this week with the utter monotony of feeding in the general day to day. We are coming down hard after a lovely winter break filled with holiday parties and dinners gloriously prepared by others. But now we are back to it and the going is rough. I've been feeling a little discouraged and I'm guessing you might be too so I thought I'd jot down a few words of encouragement (for you and me both!) 

When feedings seems particularly hard, it's so easy to focus on all of our apparent failures like how:

• my kids haven't really eaten dinner for the past 10 days except for the night when our friends cooked (not mommy) and so of course ALL of them ate tons and then had seconds and thirds
• my kids frequently complain about what is being served
• my kids never sit still at the table and sometimes leave and come back while my mind is engrossed elsewhere
• my kids seem so picky
• my kids start dishing up before us adults are even seated
• my kids can't keep their chairs on all fours
• my kids don't eat vegetables 

I could go on and on, mostly because my husband and I recently amassed a whole list of mealtime offenses after one particularly disastrous dinner. In these moments, it's tempting to throw in the towel and make broad generalizations that may not be entirely factual. In doing so, we overlook all the things they are actually going rather well. In my house, these include the fact that: 

• two of my three kids like cherry tomatoes
• ALL of my kids eat raw carrots sticks (all of them!!! and last time I checked carrots are a vegetable!!)
• my kids ask to be excused when they are finished
• one of my kids told me I was "the best soup maker" the other day
• my kids can drink from real live glasses and actually NOT BREAK THEM

So yeah, I guess feeding can't be a total bomb. All this to say, when the going gets rough and it feels like nothing is going well, take a second to stop and step back and look at the big picture. I'll bet you, like me, can find a couple things to celebrate in feeding. As for the challenges, well, its probably time to draw a line in the sand. It's easy to grow lax over the holidays and allow mealtime expectations to loosen. But, the holidays have come and gone and so let's get back on track. Decide where you can set a boundary, stick to it, and remind your eaters of the rules.

Here are the things we are focusing on over here right now:

We use manners. No one is required to eat what is served at mealtimes. But a simple "no thank you" when an item is undesirable will suffice. There is no need to give an verbal discourse on all the reasons why a food is "gross." The eaters over here are highly influenced by peer pressure and one negative word can steer the whole herd.

We sit together at the table. In our chairs. With all 4 legs on the ground. I'm so over mobile mealtimes, particularly with my 2 year old who seems to think dinner should be a drive through experience! We attended many-a-holiday-potluck gathering where grazing was appropriate but we are back to enforcing our house rules and we eat at the table. My kids know that if they leave the table to play after the meal has started, they are excused for good. Also, if our chairs start popping wheelies (which they are known to do, particularly whichever chair my eldest happens to be sitting on), they are removed from the table for the remainder of the meal and the diner is left to stand in place. This, I might add, is the only exception to our sit-at-the-table-to-eat rule and I hope it's temporary! (I plan to nip this wheelie thing in the bud here real fast so that we can have a hard and fast we-sit-while-eating rule!)

Serve at least one known favorite. I've been trying out a lot of really fun recipes lately. It's been super awesome to experiment but the reality is that my kids do not do well with one-pot meals or mixed dishes like saucy meats (think Chicken Tikka Masala or main dish salads). There was a period of time where this fact was really frustrating me, until I reminded myself that this is developmentally appropriate for my kids to feel this way. Children like their foods separate. It isn't that you have a crazy anal child on your hands if they are freaking out that the green on their plate is touching the white. It is merely the fact that your child is, well, a child. A mixed dish (or any new dish) can be totally overwhelming for littles so it's important to remember to accompany them with a known, liked side dish whenever they are introduced. And don't lose heart if they won't even try it. This too is normal. Serve it again and again. And again and again. Eventually, they maybe might just possibly grow curious what it is that mommy and daddy keep putting in their bellies and give it a shot themselves.

Good luck! I'm right here in the trenches with you. :)

The Dessert Debacle

Sometimes people get the impression that I have a household of perfect little eaters. We all love the same things, no one ever complains when their food is touching and most certainly no one ever asks for candy and sweets. Wrong. We are just as human as the rest of you. In fact, my loved ones have even gone so far as to coin a new term in my honor: "the Kelsie-sized portion." This phrase is most commonly used in reference to dessert or ice cream which totally makes sense since I am a dietitian and have my personal health at the utmost and forefront of my mind at all times (*cough*). You, like most, might assume "the Kelsie-sized portion" to be microscopic in size: a crumb of cake, a mere whiff of cream and a totally-satisfying two chocolate chips each. I only wish that were the case. When my family asks "Would you like a regular serving or a Kelsie-sized portion", what they are really wondering is whether you want a normal slice of dessert or a gargantuan-maybe-I-should-be-just-a-wee-bit-embarrassed mass of sweet goodness with a towering two or three scoops of a la mode.

Now that I've aired all my dirty dessert laundry, let's get to the point: I have a sweet tooth! My kids have a sweet tooth! (Or maybe is it sweet teeth?) It's natural to like sweets. As humans, we are actually born with a natural affinity for carbs so go ahead and do a little happy dance knowing you are NORMAL. And so are your kids.

Probably the most frequent question that parents ask me is: What do you do when your kids don't eat their dinner but then still want to have dessert? Let me warn you that you probably aren't going to like my answer: I let 'em have it. 

Allow me to expand. I didn't like my answer at first either. It went against everyone bone in my being. Why would I reward poor eating with a delicious treat? It's a fair question but it's answer involves a big-picture outlook, seeing the forest and not just the tree. My long-term goal is to teach my kids to make their own good choices. I have this amazing opportunity while they are still in my home to help guide them in learning to take care of and fuel their own bodies. I know from my own personal experience that severely limiting or even totally avoiding certain foods typically does none other than to increase desire for those foods.

I think we all can identify a moment in our early adulthood or even teenage years when we threw out our parents' rules and went hog wild with food. It may have been when we went off to college and were presented with the all-you-can-eat-for-the-same-price cafeteria buffet for the first time. Or it may have been when we were handed our driver's license and could finally take ourselves to the grocery store to buy and binge on "forbidden foods." For some of us, these instances were merely par for the course, blips in the growing up process. For others, they marked the beginning of some ill-fated eating choices that morphed into habits that eventually landed our bodies and minds in a state of poor health.  

I recognize that despite my best efforts, my kids will probably still have one or two or five of these hog wild food moments. But I hope not. My goal is to raise them to enjoy treats and desserts and sweets and learn how to incorporate them into their lives in a way that is balanced and not binge-full so that they don't live their lives feeling deprived. I don't want them to view desserts as an if/then scenario: if I eat my dinner, then I can have dessert. I want them to listen to their own bodies and determine what foods help them feel good and energized and what makes them feel tired and sick.

So how do I keep my kids from eating sweets and only sweets? If we go back to the Division of Responsibility that I wrote about here, we'll remember that as the parent, I am in charge of what foods are offered to my kids. I don't have control over whether or not they eats those foods but I do have a say in what is served. So do I serve desserts at every meal? No way. I know my kids. And I know myself. Serving dessert at every meal would be a recipe for failure, not to mention poor health. But I do make a point of incorporating treats routinely at home, 2 or 3 times a week with an inevitably gathering out of our home that involves dessert too. Sometimes it's a homemade popsicle or simply a few chocolate chocolate chips. Other times it's a slice of the made-from-scratch 6 layer cake that mama's been pining after. I want desserts to be a regular part of my kids' scenery so they learn the intricacies of maneuvering wants and desires and their own state of health. I want them to try, taste, savor and enjoy. I don't want them to view desserts as "forbidden foods" that they feel deprived of and eventually binge on when out of my care. Rather, I want them to experience the positives that can come out of eating sweets in moderation and without guilt.

So when dessert is on the menu, my kids know that they can have it. Even if they didn't eat anything for dinner. Even if they disobeyed earlier in the day. Even if they had dessert yesterday. If it's served, it's fair game. No question. And it probably comes as no surprise that they've never turned it down. And why would they?

But what do I do when dessert is NOT on the menu and the kids are still asking for it? Let me give you three easy phrases you can begin to use if this is a problem you encounter in your home. First of all, acknowledge how good dessert is. I know sweet girl, I would love some dessert tonight too. Next, remind them why we don't eat it all the time. But our bodies are made to have desserts all the time so there are some days when we don't have any sweets. Then reassure them. I promise that we will have them again soon, like how about tomorrow at your cousin's birthday party?

If you've found yourself acting as the "dessert police" more than you'd care to admit, you will be surprised how much easier things get when you surrender the role and resume operating under the guidelines laid out in the Division of Responsibility in Feeding. There will no longer be battles over trying to get your kid to eat their dinner first before having dessert. Oh man will it ever be hard watching your child down a bowl of ice cream without even touching his dinner for the first time. Oh yes it will. But keep the big picture in mind and remember you have a say in whether dessert is served tomorrow or the next day or the next. The goal here is to get out of the battle and erase the idea of "forbidden foods."

One surprise benefit you might experience when you adopt these practices around desserts is that your kids will begin to beg for sweets less. It may seem a bit counter intuitive but when kids finally realize (and accept!) that sweets will be a regular part of their diet, their desire for them may wane from what comes across as an innate "need" to a mere want, purely for pleasure. Isn't this the kind of attitude we all want to have toward sweets?

The Boy and the Battle of the High Chair

A of couple months back, our then seventeen month old decided to boycott the high chair. It all started when he realized he could climb up onto our dining chairs all by himself. Cool! We thought it was cute for the first couple of days as his face beamed with pride and excitement in his new-found freedom and access to the table at all times. We rolled with his desire to be in a chair and swapped out the high chair for a booster seat. He thought this was pretty neat too and life proceeded as normal. But then something shifted again and he decided that actually the booster seat wasn't his jam and he'd much prefer to freestyle in a regular chair like the big kids. Before we knew it, we'd leave the kitchen for mere seconds and return to find him devouring his older sister's bowl of granola, left unattended and seemingly up for grabs. I did what every mom should and stopped and snapped a couple of pictures, capturing the hilarity in it, unaware this was just the first pebble in the landslide that was about to take place. I'm not sure what we were thinking (he is our third kid so it is safe to say we weren't) but we rolled with it and let him continue to give the big boy chair a shot.

BIG MISTAKE.

Within the week, mealtimes had become a climb-up-stand-up-get-down-come-back-climb-up-stand-and-jump-on-chair-grab-anybody's-food sort of affair. It all happened so fast and it was terrible, not to mention that it went against every feeding bone in my body. I knew we'd slid down a slippery slope and landed ourselves on the wrong side of the Division of Responsibility in feeding (if you are just reading my blog for the first time, you can read more about what I mean by that HERE). In brief, the Division of Responsibility says that the parent is responsible for what foods are offered, when they are offered and WHERE they are offered and that the child is responsible for how much and even whether they eat at each individual meal or snack time. In our case, I had grown distracted with life (it happens!) and landed myself on the path of least resistance, going with the flow and letting the little dude become the boss and determine the where of feeding and eating.

Once I realized my error, I made a hard and fast decision to bring back the high chair. I was silly to believe my eighteen month old could sit safely, strap-free in a big boy chair. It seemed like such a good idea at the time - he was excited about it and he was happy in a regular dining chair. But the all-you-can-eat-walk-up-buffet was just not working for me. I think there were meals when I washed his hands three or more times, thinking he was done eating only to have him return five minutes later and in sneak-attack fashion, rejoin us at the table before we even realized what was happening. We would tell him no but he just screamed and climb up into any empty or temporarily vacated chair when our hands were preoccupied with assisting his sisters. I was going bonkers before I finally realized that I was the adult and I needed to be the one to set a limit. And my limit in this case would be where he was allowed to eat: in the high chair. Strapped in. Every time.

To put it simply, he was NOT pleased with this plan. We removed and hid the extra seat at our table, leaving only enough dining chairs for the oldest of us and told my son who each of the remaining seats (including the high chair) belonged to. This was only marginally helpful. Mealtimes morphed from crazy to utterly chaotic as he initiated epic episodes of back arching and screaming each time we tried to put him in the high chair. Any food within reach would immediately end up thrown onto the floor. He would scream for 5-10 minutes as I calmly* told him he could choose to eat in his chair or get down and be done with the meal. For the first three nights, he went straight to bed without dinner. Y'all, it was painful.

The piece I've neglected to mention thus far was that all this re-introduction of the high chair went down just days before we headed across the state with my parents and siblings for my brother's graduation. Perfect timing. I bet you can use your creative imaginations and figure out where this is going. Let's just say that eating out + high chair re-introductions do not mix. I will confess to my humanness and tell you we attempted to stand strong and hold fast to our you-only-eat-when-in-the-high-chair rule while out of town. Aaaaaaaand, we lasted approximately 12 minutes and 5 seconds before we showed all of our Parents of the Year cards and caved in every possible way. Our screaming youngest was given the pacifier (which is ONLY for bedtime). He was allowed to sit on our laps at the table, crawling from from person to person as he willed. He was permitted to wander around behind our chairs, causing some near-misses with the kitchen staff as they rounded the corner with trays full of food. AND we even let him eat off our plates. I hang my head in shame but it only took those twelve humiliating minutes of screaming for me to decide "let's re-introduce the high chair next week." Welcome to real life, People.

I will tell you though that upon returning home from our trip, we did stick to our guns and implement a no ifs ands and buts about it high chair re-introduction. It was messy (literally and figuratively) and loud but this time, in the safety of our own home, I had mentally prepared myself for the screaming fits that most certainly came three times a day at each mealtime. I knew that the process would be painful but that the results would be worth it. And they are. I am happy to report that it only took about a week and we now have a 19 month old who cheerfully joins us at the table in his high chair. Allow me to be candid and say that yes, there are still meals where he doesn't want to go in his seat. Food gets thrown, as my dirty walls can testify. And yes, he does still try to climb into any vacant "big kid" seat until we remind him which one is his. But overall, our mealtimes are peaceful** again.

Please tell me something in this little scenario feels familiar. I know I'm not the only one. It is no joke that feeding kids is hard stuff! Rest assured that if you've found yourself in a feeding rut, on the wrong side of the Division of Responsibility, there is hope. It happens to all of us. Just like any form of training and conditioning, the process of getting back on track won't be pain-free. Exiting a rut involves a brief stint of uphill before the wheels can pop out and forge a new path. Press on. The results will be worth it when you stick to your jobs as a parent and you allow your kids stick to theirs!

*ha!
**read: as peaceful as they can be with three humans five and under!

What exactly is my "job" in feeding?

"Just one more bite of broccoli and then you can have dessert."

"You didn't eat anything!?  Go back to the table and sit down and eat something and then you can be excused to play."

Statements like these roll off our tongues at our children with great ease. And, when taken at face value, they seem pretty logical. Everyone knows kids are supposed to eat vegetables, right? And if a child goes without eating, won't they be hungry later? My answer to these questions is yes and yes. But meddling with our kids' decisions around the table prevents our kids from learning to make their own good choices. Requiring kids to take one more bite or just to eat something period are just a couple common examples of what I will refer to as "feeding interference" at the table. 

I introduced the idea of the Division of Responsibility in feeding awhile back and promised I'd dive into greater detail. If you need a refresher on this methodology or if this is your first time reading my blog, see my original post here. The jist of it is this: when it comes to feeding, it is the PARENT'S responsibility to determine the what, when and where and it is the CHILD'S responsibility to determine how much and even whether they choose to eat. I'm pretty sure that, for 98% of you, this was not how things went down in your house when you were growing up. Most likely, you were told to clean your plate or that you must eat your veggies before you could have sweets. Your parents meant well, really they did, but I'd like to think there is a better way.

So what the heck does it mean to be in charge of the "what, when and where?" Essentially, it means just as it sounds - you, as the responsible adult, are in charge of WHAT foods are offered, WHERE these foods are offered (the table, on the go, in front of the TV) and WHEN they are offered. I do better with bullet points and so found this short and dirty list of parent "jobs" from the book Fearless Feeding very helpful. Our jobs include:

1) choosing and preparing food
2) providing regularly scheduled meals and snacks
3) making eating times as pleasant as possible
4) showing your child what to learn
5) allowing your child to grow up to have the body that is right for him/her

Let's start with the job of CHOOSING AND PREPARING FOOD.

I think the most fundamental thing to remember here is that YOU ARE THE GATEKEEPER. As the parent, you get to be in charge of what you put in your fridge and allow to take residence on your pantry shelves. I remember toward the beginning of my career as a registered dietitian, I saw a patient who was a severely overweight three year old. I began by interviewing his mother and asking about some of the foods he usually ate. She threw her hands up in surrender and exclaimed, "He can reach the Kool-Aid on his own now and mixes it up and drinks it when I'm not looking! I can't be there all the time to stop him."

Now the solution to this dilemma may seem obvious to a lot of this, but this mama so close to the problem that she couldn't see the forest for the trees. She hadn't yet reached a point where she could step back and see that the answer in this case was rather simple: to stop buying Kool-Aid. In order for the Division of Responsibility to work and for us to raise healthy eaters, it is vital that the array of options available to our kiddos be healthful. If you find yourself getting frustrated whenever your child begs for a particular snack in your pantry because you can't suppress the guilt that comes along with giving it to them, maybe it's time to consider a pantry makeover. Though I try not to label foods as YES and NO Foods but rather as Often and Not-So-Often Foods, there is certainly a time and place to eliminate items completely from our shopping lists. Your own inner cringings might offer good insight as to what these foods might be in your family. Take a pause and go look in your pantry and in your refrigerator. Do you feel good about feeding your family what you see 90% of the time? If not, it's probably a good time to do an overhaul and restock with some staples that you know your family will thrive on in the long run. If you don't know what these foods might be, let's talk. :)

Your next job is PROVIDING REGULARLY SCHEDULED MEALS AND SNACKS.

This next topic has been well-researched and the verdict is this: kids with structured meal times tend to feel more supported and reassured in general and they tend to have increased security around food. They are less food-focused and are more inclined to eat amounts that are right for them and to choose healthier options. Sounds like a dream, right?

There is so much in parenting literature that emphasizes the importance of boundaries and structure when it comes to raising kiddos who thrive. It's no different when it comes to food. Kids need to know when they will eat next (with some flexibility of course) and that they can count on you to offer them something to eat at regular intervals. I really try to encourage families to adopt a pattern of 3 meals a day with 3 sit-down snacks. That last one is a real kicker for a lot of us, isn't it? Guilty as charged! Yes, my kids have definitely been those kids running around and noshing on a snack. But as much as possible, I practice what I preach and encourage parents to have snack time be a sit-down operation at the table, just like meals. It's important to avoid multitasking when we are eating as this is one of the easiest ways to ignore our innate hunger and satiety cues. The last thing we want is to do is to train our kids to drown out their feelings of fullness with the sounds of the TV or the distraction of toys. So create for your family set meal and snack times and stick to it! When the troops grow restless and start begging for food in between these times, hand them a glass of water and remind them when the next eating time will be (every 2-3 hours is a good goal).  

MAKING EATING TIMES AS PLEASANT AS POSSIBLE

Ok so here's the fun part, actually. If abiding by the Division of Responsibility hasn't been your default at mealtimes thus far, it's quite likely that times around the table have been less than pleasant. When we interfere with our kids and try to encourage them to eat what WE want them to eat, rather than what THEY want to eat, food fights and arguments abound, making mealtimes more like a stressful war zone than a time of connection and pleasantness. I mean, let's think about it. You just went to a LOT of work making a nice meal (or let's be honest, sometimes you just reheated a nice meal that some God-send of a company made for you and shipped to your local Trader Joe's freezer). You survived that horrid witching hour and are finally, FINALLY getting to sit down, maybe for the first time today. And now you get to spend the next 20-30 minutes trying to coerce and shanaggle your kids into eating what you are serving? No. Thank. You.

But this is the reality for so many of us. We are trying to be "good" parents and "good" parents have kids who eat their vegetables, right? Let's go back to the Division of Responsibility. We've done the hard work of putting together a healthful meal (the WHAT) at dinnertime (the WHEN) and we are finally seated together at the table (the WHERE). Now it's time to sit back and enjoy! How do we make that a reality? I have a newsflash for you: THE MOST IMPORTANT THING AT THE TABLE IS YOU (you or another trusted adult). Not the heaping bowl of broccoli or the pot of steamed brown rice, believe it or not. YOU! Your job is not to make your kids eat but rather to be present, to keep them company, to make easygoing conversation, to help them get served as needed, to enjoy your own meal, and to let them enjoy theirs. Sounds like a much better time to me than the whole shanaggling and coercing bit! 

Surprisingly, the conversation at mealtime need not be about the actual food. In fact, the majority of the time, I would urge you to avoid spending too much time talking about the meal (except for praise for the chef of course - there should ALWAYS be space for compliments to the chef!!) :) Avoid reasoning with your kids and offering praise for eating or cleaning their plates. Instead, compliment them by saying they always do a good job eating when they listen to their body. Approach meals as an opportunity to connect with your kids while acting as a role model as they watch you serve yourself and enjoy each dish. It's your kiddo's job to take it from here! 

SHOWING YOUR CHILD WHAT TO LEARN

Though it may not seem like it the vast majority of the time, our kids do want to be successful at mealtimes and they are watching our every move. You've likely heard it said that kids learn to like food through repeated exposure. And y'all, I'm not talking two or three times. I'm talking over and over. And over and over. And over and over. You get the point. Most of us parents give up on introducing a "new" food and add it to the "don't like" list LONG before a child has had the needed number of exposures. I mean, if we were "introduced" to someone as if we'd never met them 13 times, things would start to get awkward. It takes a ridiculously, unnaturally, illogical number of introductions to a new food for a child to accept it as one of their own. So in the words of one of my favorite mommy bloggers, Momastery, Carry On Warrior! Keep on serving those "rejected" foods. One day you may be surprised when you child heaps their plate with a giant spoonful and dives in.

Also, as the responsible, experienced adult, you know best all the fun and exotic dishes out there and your child will never grow to like them if they aren't exposed to them. Take it slowly and introduce one new food at a time but don't by shy! Some kids do like curry! And baba ghanoush! Just because you decided to have kids does not mean you are resigned to a life of macaroni and applesauce. If you loved "crazy" foods before you had kids, bring back the crazy! Kids are incredibly adaptable but you need to make the first move. Allow your child to join the family table instead of altering the family table to suit them.

ALLOWING YOUR CHILD TO GROW UP TO HAVE THE BODY THAT IS RIGHT FOR HIM OR HER

Lastly, it is so important to always keep in mind that growth naturally ebbs and flows. Every child is hard-wired with a body type that is their very own. We may look at them and think they have "our hips or grandma's short stature but it is important to remember that their body is in fact theirs and to keep these comparisons to ourselves. Our job as the parent is to help them have the healthiest body possible, to view their body as strong and capable, and to use it in a way that works well and makes them feel good.

So all that being said, do your jobs and then let go!