"Too Spicy!"

It’s safe to say I might have left a few of you hanging, promising to do a blog series on feeding kids, pumping out one post and then falling radio silent on the topic. For anyone who has been waiting, thank you for hanging in there.

I set up the framework for my approach to feeding kids by outlining the Division of Responsibility in a recent post here. If you haven’t already done so, I hope you will go back and read it.

Before we get any further, I want to level the playing field. I want to assure you that I struggle with feeding my kids too. I don’t have perfect little eaters. For a brief, conceited blip in time, I thought I did (ha! keep reading), but the reality is, none of us do. Please be assured that I don’t come at this from a place of having it all together. But I certainly hope you will find my tricks and tips and insight helpful as we journey this together.

I remember my first year as a mom. I couldn’t wait for the six-month milestone to arrive so that we could dust off the high chair I’d been storing in the closet of our condo, the very first baby item I’d purchased, mere months into our pregnancy. Of course that would the first baby-related “necessity” I would come home with, despite the fact that it wouldn’t be needed for an entire year. That high chair joined our clan on one of those hormonally-charged-we-must-get-everything-ready-RIGHT-NOW days that every woman who has ever been pregnant knows well. Somehow buying a high chair, the bump around my middle barely visible, satisfied my nesting urges that day.

We welcomed our daughter, survived the sleepless nights that made up that first half-year and then it was finally time. I was eager to venture into the world of solid foods, bound and determined to raise a super eater. I was sure she was going to like everything, never complain and jump at the opportunity to try new things.

Puffy with pride and confident in my background as a dietitian, I forged ahead in feeding her. I made baby food from scratch. I seasoned her purees with cumin, chili powder, even cayenne pepper, hoping “make” my daughter like spice and heat. Regarding all those parents I heard complaining about their picky kids, well, they were obviously just doing it wrong, I thought to myself.

I must confess that in those early months, I honestly believed I was on to something. My daughter did in fact consume her spicy purees without issue. She tried everything I gave her. People complimented me on having “such a good little eater” and I took full credit for all our successes.

That is, until we hit 18 months, and everything changed.

“Too spicy!” my verbal child would suddenly wail. She began refusing foods, and not just the spicy ones. The girl who, just days prior, was eating me out of house and home, was now turning things down right and left. I immediately grew concerned. What happened? What went wrong? I felt embarrassed and ashamed that my child, the daughter of a dietitian, was showing signs of pickiness, while an audience looked on.

As it turns out, nothing went wrong with her eating. Simply put, toddlerhood happened. My daughter was merely transitioning into a new developmental phase that was completely normal, yet it caught me totally by surprise because I was unprepared.

Alas, my pride bubble burst and I was quick to learn that in fact it wasn’t my “stellar feeding skills” that landed me with such a compliant eater during that glorious first year. It was the developmental phase she was in and her personality to which I owed the credit. This second year of life brought with it new surprises and my daughter became just like all the other “picky eaters” I’d been hearing about. The only difference being that she had a cuckoo mother who was spiking her food with chiles.

Most of our “parental feeding worries” stem from incomplete or inaccurate information regarding the normal nutritional stages that our kids go through as they develop. It’s easy to get our panties in a wad, stress out, and take it as a personal failure when our kids aren’t eating the way WE think they should.

  

Have you had a similar experience with a child who suddenly grows skeptical over a previously-accepted food? Would you call your child a “picky eater?” Does your child ever get stuck on one particular food item and ask for that same one, over and over again? Does your child’s appetite seem erratic? Is he or she easily influenced by what those around him or him are eating? Does your child have a strong affinity for sweets?

Well, guess what. I have great news for you:

YOUR CHILD IS NORMAL!!!

You can breathe a sigh of relief now. Though learning that your child’s eating behaviors are normal doesn’t make them any less frustrating, I hope it will allow you to let your stress level drop a couple notches. Your child is not “too far gone” in their eating patterns. In fact, they may just be passing through a normal nutritional phase, some taking their sweet time on a more scenic route.

Be encouraged, the feeding challenges of today won’t last forever. You are just passing through.

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Stay tuned for my next post where I will dive into some normal nutritional phases in greater detail...

The Division of Responsibility

Remember that time, back in your childhood maybe, when you found yourself alone at the table, minutes, maybe hours even after the mealtime had passed, staring a pile of green something-or-other in the face?  Yeah, I think we all do.  The phrase "You may NOT get down from the table until your plate is clean," uttered emphatically by our parents, echoes fresh in our minds like it was just yesterday.  They meant well, really they did, but I think there are better ways to raise up healthy eaters than to engage in battle.

Although I am a nutrition expert by title, let me assure you that I'm right there in the trenches with you, maneuvering the challenges of feeding my own kids.  Feeding children is HARD and I've watched many-a-mealtime go downhill as it morphed into a battle of wills.  My growing passion is to help change the way families approach the table by removing some of the power struggles that can easily develop around food and mealtimes.  Since our kids will not reside under our roofs forever, my goal is to help others empower their kids to make their own good choices.  Are you in?

In our society, there is so much focus on WHAT to feed our kids and so little focus on HOW to feed them.  I'll fess up.  I like to go "under cover" when we go to my kids' well check ups.  Who knows, maybe it's written in giant red letters on the outside of each of their charts "SHE'S A DIETITIAN" but really, I just want to know what doctors are telling parents without a nutrition background about feeding their kids.  My children have an incredible pediatrician and you couldn't pay me money to switch to anyone else.  They have received wonderful medical care throughout the courses of their lives.  But, I must confess I've been a bit surprised by scarcity of how-to feeding guidance that has been provided to me.

So if you're looking for a little more guidance on this big, rather important topic, I can point you to some resources that can help.  Many of my favorites were created created by a fellow dietitian, Ellyn Satter, and I would highly recommend her books "Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense" and "Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family" if you are struggling in any way with feeding your kiddos.  She also has a wonderful website with a lot more information if you are looking for additional resources. 

Before we begin the actual act of feeding our kids, we need to build a foundation and lay some ground rules.  And I think the best way to start this is by introducing you to "The Division of Responsibility," also known as "The Golden Rule of Feeding," which was developed by Ellyn Satter. In it, Satter outlines our responsibilities in feeding as the parents, and our kids' responsibilities as the ones being fed.  I believe having a clear framework that differentiates our jobs and from our kids' jobs is essential for maneuvering the endless eating and feeding obstacles our kids will throw our way. In the same way that establishing a family system of rules regarding how we treat and store our belongings helps keep us from living in constant chaos, operating under the Division of Responsibility in feedings helps us determine when to intervene in a feeding situation and when to let go. 

Okay, so what is this Division of Responsibility? Here goes!

Division of Responsibility

THE PARENT is responsible for...

-WHAT

-WHEN

-WHERE

...foods are offered.

THE CHILD is responsible for...

-HOW MUCH

-WHETHER

...they choose to eat.

If I totally just blew your mind, go back and read it again. 

Did you let the words sink in? 

You as the parents get to decide WHAT foods to serve, WHEN to serve those foods and WHERE to serve them (at the table, on a bench at the park etc).  Your child gets to decide HOW MUCH of those foods you served to eat and even WHETHER he or she wants to eat them at all. 

Have you heard of this approach before?  Are you following it?  Or does it sound totally foreign and maybe even foolish?  (Why yes, I just said your kid gets to opt out of eating the food you worked so hard to prepare.  How super annoying is that, right!?)  But don't bail on me and call it all blasphemy.  There is so much more I want to tell you. 

While you may not just yet be able to fathom how this methodology works in practice, I'm guessing it is news to no one that our relationship with food in the United States leaves something to be desired. Obesity is affecting kids at younger and younger ages, eating disorders are rampant and body image issues continue to wreak havoc on kids and adults alike.  I imagine you can rattle off a whole list of personal food and body struggles as easily as you can your own phone number.  Many of us have lost the ability to enjoy eating without guilt, we've lost our hunger and satiety cues after drowning them out for so long, and we don't know how to confidently nourish our bodies.  Let's do our kids a favor and not pass on all our junk, shall we?

When I first learned about the Division of Responsibility, it went against nearly every grain in my body and I didn't think there was any way it could "work."  If I didn't force my daughter to eat her broccoli, "How would she ever eat broccoli?", I wondered.  As a type-A, self-proclaimed control freak, the idea of letting my child decide whether to eat made me feel very uncomfortable. How would I make sure she was getting everything she needed? 

Well, the thing is, I totally DO still have a say in what my kids eat because I am the one who gets to decide what I offer.  Since I am responsible for choosing which foods to prepare, it guarantees me a degree of control, at least when we are eating at home (when they are in others' homes, we are at the mercy of our hosts but I firmly believe that is healthy and ok).  Though my kids can opt to refuse what I serve, if I only serve nutritious options and don't break the Division of Responsibility and allow them to short-order something else for dinner, then what they consume will be healthy.  Are you following?

The truth is, sometimes, OK, a lot of times, actually, my kids don't eat vegetables.  But I don't sweat it (I will get to America's odd obsession with kids and their veggie intake in a later post...)  I don't freak out when my kids turn down vegetables at one or two or even twenty-two meals.  I have studied what is normal developmentally for children of different ages and know that it takes time and practice to learn to eat well. Thankfully, one meal or one week of meals or even one month of meals isn't the be-all end-all.  Our goal should be to aim for a variety of foods and a rainbow of colors over a period of time.  Not every plate will be perfectly balanced and that's OK.

If food fights are commonplace in your home right now and you wouldn't exactly describe your child's diet as "healthy," take heart.  You certainly aren't alone!  You would be amazed at how many battles are instantaneously defused when a child realizes you aren't going to force them to eat.

Feeling overwhelmed and confused?  That's okay.  We are just scratching the surface.  In the days and weeks ahead, I hope to dive into these concept even deeper, providing you with specific feeding "jobs" as parents that will help you wrap your mind around how this all works.  I also plan to flesh out what maintaining the Division of Responsibility looks like in practice with real kids and real situations, because we all know it's one thing to read something on paper and it's a whole different ball of wax to try and apply it to a specific scenario, right?  All right, more soon.

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The Dessert Debacle

Sometimes people get the impression that I have a household of perfect little eaters. We all love the same things, no one ever complains when their food is touching and most certainly no one ever asks for candy and sweets. Wrong. We are just as human as the rest of you. In fact, my loved ones have even gone so far as to coin a new term in my honor: "the Kelsie-sized portion." This phrase is most commonly used in reference to dessert or ice cream which totally makes sense since I am a dietitian and have my personal health at the utmost and forefront of my mind at all times (*cough*). You, like most, might assume "the Kelsie-sized portion" to be microscopic in size: a crumb of cake, a mere whiff of cream and a totally-satisfying two chocolate chips each. I only wish that were the case. When my family asks "Would you like a regular serving or a Kelsie-sized portion", what they are really wondering is whether you want a normal slice of dessert or a gargantuan-maybe-I-should-be-just-a-wee-bit-embarrassed mass of sweet goodness with a towering two or three scoops of a la mode.

Now that I've aired all my dirty dessert laundry, let's get to the point: I have a sweet tooth! My kids have a sweet tooth! (Or maybe is it sweet teeth?) It's natural to like sweets. As humans, we are actually born with a natural affinity for carbs so go ahead and do a little happy dance knowing you are NORMAL. And so are your kids.

Probably the most frequent question that parents ask me is: What do you do when your kids don't eat their dinner but then still want to have dessert? Let me warn you that you probably aren't going to like my answer: I let 'em have it. 

Allow me to expand. I didn't like my answer at first either. It went against everyone bone in my being. Why would I reward poor eating with a delicious treat? It's a fair question but it's answer involves a big-picture outlook, seeing the forest and not just the tree. My long-term goal is to teach my kids to make their own good choices. I have this amazing opportunity while they are still in my home to help guide them in learning to take care of and fuel their own bodies. I know from my own personal experience that severely limiting or even totally avoiding certain foods typically does none other than to increase desire for those foods.

I think we all can identify a moment in our early adulthood or even teenage years when we threw out our parents' rules and went hog wild with food. It may have been when we went off to college and were presented with the all-you-can-eat-for-the-same-price cafeteria buffet for the first time. Or it may have been when we were handed our driver's license and could finally take ourselves to the grocery store to buy and binge on "forbidden foods." For some of us, these instances were merely par for the course, blips in the growing up process. For others, they marked the beginning of some ill-fated eating choices that morphed into habits that eventually landed our bodies and minds in a state of poor health.  

I recognize that despite my best efforts, my kids will probably still have one or two or five of these hog wild food moments. But I hope not. My goal is to raise them to enjoy treats and desserts and sweets and learn how to incorporate them into their lives in a way that is balanced and not binge-full so that they don't live their lives feeling deprived. I don't want them to view desserts as an if/then scenario: if I eat my dinner, then I can have dessert. I want them to listen to their own bodies and determine what foods help them feel good and energized and what makes them feel tired and sick.

So how do I keep my kids from eating sweets and only sweets? If we go back to the Division of Responsibility that I wrote about here, we'll remember that as the parent, I am in charge of what foods are offered to my kids. I don't have control over whether or not they eats those foods but I do have a say in what is served. So do I serve desserts at every meal? No way. I know my kids. And I know myself. Serving dessert at every meal would be a recipe for failure, not to mention poor health. But I do make a point of incorporating treats routinely at home, 2 or 3 times a week with an inevitably gathering out of our home that involves dessert too. Sometimes it's a homemade popsicle or simply a few chocolate chocolate chips. Other times it's a slice of the made-from-scratch 6 layer cake that mama's been pining after. I want desserts to be a regular part of my kids' scenery so they learn the intricacies of maneuvering wants and desires and their own state of health. I want them to try, taste, savor and enjoy. I don't want them to view desserts as "forbidden foods" that they feel deprived of and eventually binge on when out of my care. Rather, I want them to experience the positives that can come out of eating sweets in moderation and without guilt.

So when dessert is on the menu, my kids know that they can have it. Even if they didn't eat anything for dinner. Even if they disobeyed earlier in the day. Even if they had dessert yesterday. If it's served, it's fair game. No question. And it probably comes as no surprise that they've never turned it down. And why would they?

But what do I do when dessert is NOT on the menu and the kids are still asking for it? Let me give you three easy phrases you can begin to use if this is a problem you encounter in your home. First of all, acknowledge how good dessert is. I know sweet girl, I would love some dessert tonight too. Next, remind them why we don't eat it all the time. But our bodies are made to have desserts all the time so there are some days when we don't have any sweets. Then reassure them. I promise that we will have them again soon, like how about tomorrow at your cousin's birthday party?

If you've found yourself acting as the "dessert police" more than you'd care to admit, you will be surprised how much easier things get when you surrender the role and resume operating under the guidelines laid out in the Division of Responsibility in Feeding. There will no longer be battles over trying to get your kid to eat their dinner first before having dessert. Oh man will it ever be hard watching your child down a bowl of ice cream without even touching his dinner for the first time. Oh yes it will. But keep the big picture in mind and remember you have a say in whether dessert is served tomorrow or the next day or the next. The goal here is to get out of the battle and erase the idea of "forbidden foods."

One surprise benefit you might experience when you adopt these practices around desserts is that your kids will begin to beg for sweets less. It may seem a bit counter intuitive but when kids finally realize (and accept!) that sweets will be a regular part of their diet, their desire for them may wane from what comes across as an innate "need" to a mere want, purely for pleasure. Isn't this the kind of attitude we all want to have toward sweets?

What exactly is my "job" in feeding?

"Just one more bite of broccoli and then you can have dessert."

"You didn't eat anything!?  Go back to the table and sit down and eat something and then you can be excused to play."

Statements like these roll off our tongues at our children with great ease. And, when taken at face value, they seem pretty logical. Everyone knows kids are supposed to eat vegetables, right? And if a child goes without eating, won't they be hungry later? My answer to these questions is yes and yes. But meddling with our kids' decisions around the table prevents our kids from learning to make their own good choices. Requiring kids to take one more bite or just to eat something period are just a couple common examples of what I will refer to as "feeding interference" at the table. 

I introduced the idea of the Division of Responsibility in feeding awhile back and promised I'd dive into greater detail. If you need a refresher on this methodology or if this is your first time reading my blog, see my original post here. The jist of it is this: when it comes to feeding, it is the PARENT'S responsibility to determine the what, when and where and it is the CHILD'S responsibility to determine how much and even whether they choose to eat. I'm pretty sure that, for 98% of you, this was not how things went down in your house when you were growing up. Most likely, you were told to clean your plate or that you must eat your veggies before you could have sweets. Your parents meant well, really they did, but I'd like to think there is a better way.

So what the heck does it mean to be in charge of the "what, when and where?" Essentially, it means just as it sounds - you, as the responsible adult, are in charge of WHAT foods are offered, WHERE these foods are offered (the table, on the go, in front of the TV) and WHEN they are offered. I do better with bullet points and so found this short and dirty list of parent "jobs" from the book Fearless Feeding very helpful. Our jobs include:

1) choosing and preparing food
2) providing regularly scheduled meals and snacks
3) making eating times as pleasant as possible
4) showing your child what to learn
5) allowing your child to grow up to have the body that is right for him/her

Let's start with the job of CHOOSING AND PREPARING FOOD.

I think the most fundamental thing to remember here is that YOU ARE THE GATEKEEPER. As the parent, you get to be in charge of what you put in your fridge and allow to take residence on your pantry shelves. I remember toward the beginning of my career as a registered dietitian, I saw a patient who was a severely overweight three year old. I began by interviewing his mother and asking about some of the foods he usually ate. She threw her hands up in surrender and exclaimed, "He can reach the Kool-Aid on his own now and mixes it up and drinks it when I'm not looking! I can't be there all the time to stop him."

Now the solution to this dilemma may seem obvious to a lot of this, but this mama so close to the problem that she couldn't see the forest for the trees. She hadn't yet reached a point where she could step back and see that the answer in this case was rather simple: to stop buying Kool-Aid. In order for the Division of Responsibility to work and for us to raise healthy eaters, it is vital that the array of options available to our kiddos be healthful. If you find yourself getting frustrated whenever your child begs for a particular snack in your pantry because you can't suppress the guilt that comes along with giving it to them, maybe it's time to consider a pantry makeover. Though I try not to label foods as YES and NO Foods but rather as Often and Not-So-Often Foods, there is certainly a time and place to eliminate items completely from our shopping lists. Your own inner cringings might offer good insight as to what these foods might be in your family. Take a pause and go look in your pantry and in your refrigerator. Do you feel good about feeding your family what you see 90% of the time? If not, it's probably a good time to do an overhaul and restock with some staples that you know your family will thrive on in the long run. If you don't know what these foods might be, let's talk. :)

Your next job is PROVIDING REGULARLY SCHEDULED MEALS AND SNACKS.

This next topic has been well-researched and the verdict is this: kids with structured meal times tend to feel more supported and reassured in general and they tend to have increased security around food. They are less food-focused and are more inclined to eat amounts that are right for them and to choose healthier options. Sounds like a dream, right?

There is so much in parenting literature that emphasizes the importance of boundaries and structure when it comes to raising kiddos who thrive. It's no different when it comes to food. Kids need to know when they will eat next (with some flexibility of course) and that they can count on you to offer them something to eat at regular intervals. I really try to encourage families to adopt a pattern of 3 meals a day with 3 sit-down snacks. That last one is a real kicker for a lot of us, isn't it? Guilty as charged! Yes, my kids have definitely been those kids running around and noshing on a snack. But as much as possible, I practice what I preach and encourage parents to have snack time be a sit-down operation at the table, just like meals. It's important to avoid multitasking when we are eating as this is one of the easiest ways to ignore our innate hunger and satiety cues. The last thing we want is to do is to train our kids to drown out their feelings of fullness with the sounds of the TV or the distraction of toys. So create for your family set meal and snack times and stick to it! When the troops grow restless and start begging for food in between these times, hand them a glass of water and remind them when the next eating time will be (every 2-3 hours is a good goal).  

MAKING EATING TIMES AS PLEASANT AS POSSIBLE

Ok so here's the fun part, actually. If abiding by the Division of Responsibility hasn't been your default at mealtimes thus far, it's quite likely that times around the table have been less than pleasant. When we interfere with our kids and try to encourage them to eat what WE want them to eat, rather than what THEY want to eat, food fights and arguments abound, making mealtimes more like a stressful war zone than a time of connection and pleasantness. I mean, let's think about it. You just went to a LOT of work making a nice meal (or let's be honest, sometimes you just reheated a nice meal that some God-send of a company made for you and shipped to your local Trader Joe's freezer). You survived that horrid witching hour and are finally, FINALLY getting to sit down, maybe for the first time today. And now you get to spend the next 20-30 minutes trying to coerce and shanaggle your kids into eating what you are serving? No. Thank. You.

But this is the reality for so many of us. We are trying to be "good" parents and "good" parents have kids who eat their vegetables, right? Let's go back to the Division of Responsibility. We've done the hard work of putting together a healthful meal (the WHAT) at dinnertime (the WHEN) and we are finally seated together at the table (the WHERE). Now it's time to sit back and enjoy! How do we make that a reality? I have a newsflash for you: THE MOST IMPORTANT THING AT THE TABLE IS YOU (you or another trusted adult). Not the heaping bowl of broccoli or the pot of steamed brown rice, believe it or not. YOU! Your job is not to make your kids eat but rather to be present, to keep them company, to make easygoing conversation, to help them get served as needed, to enjoy your own meal, and to let them enjoy theirs. Sounds like a much better time to me than the whole shanaggling and coercing bit! 

Surprisingly, the conversation at mealtime need not be about the actual food. In fact, the majority of the time, I would urge you to avoid spending too much time talking about the meal (except for praise for the chef of course - there should ALWAYS be space for compliments to the chef!!) :) Avoid reasoning with your kids and offering praise for eating or cleaning their plates. Instead, compliment them by saying they always do a good job eating when they listen to their body. Approach meals as an opportunity to connect with your kids while acting as a role model as they watch you serve yourself and enjoy each dish. It's your kiddo's job to take it from here! 

SHOWING YOUR CHILD WHAT TO LEARN

Though it may not seem like it the vast majority of the time, our kids do want to be successful at mealtimes and they are watching our every move. You've likely heard it said that kids learn to like food through repeated exposure. And y'all, I'm not talking two or three times. I'm talking over and over. And over and over. And over and over. You get the point. Most of us parents give up on introducing a "new" food and add it to the "don't like" list LONG before a child has had the needed number of exposures. I mean, if we were "introduced" to someone as if we'd never met them 13 times, things would start to get awkward. It takes a ridiculously, unnaturally, illogical number of introductions to a new food for a child to accept it as one of their own. So in the words of one of my favorite mommy bloggers, Momastery, Carry On Warrior! Keep on serving those "rejected" foods. One day you may be surprised when you child heaps their plate with a giant spoonful and dives in.

Also, as the responsible, experienced adult, you know best all the fun and exotic dishes out there and your child will never grow to like them if they aren't exposed to them. Take it slowly and introduce one new food at a time but don't by shy! Some kids do like curry! And baba ghanoush! Just because you decided to have kids does not mean you are resigned to a life of macaroni and applesauce. If you loved "crazy" foods before you had kids, bring back the crazy! Kids are incredibly adaptable but you need to make the first move. Allow your child to join the family table instead of altering the family table to suit them.

ALLOWING YOUR CHILD TO GROW UP TO HAVE THE BODY THAT IS RIGHT FOR HIM OR HER

Lastly, it is so important to always keep in mind that growth naturally ebbs and flows. Every child is hard-wired with a body type that is their very own. We may look at them and think they have "our hips or grandma's short stature but it is important to remember that their body is in fact theirs and to keep these comparisons to ourselves. Our job as the parent is to help them have the healthiest body possible, to view their body as strong and capable, and to use it in a way that works well and makes them feel good.

So all that being said, do your jobs and then let go!

What is Normal?

 

I had one of those "moments of truth" this week. I was feeding my son, my baby, who in reality is

now officially a one year old, but in my mind, he is still a baby. I had put him in the high chair and he was making it quite clear that he was hungry and he wanted me to feed him RIGHT. THEN. I went to put food on his tray and he proceeded to scream and throw it on the floor. I was shocked. He was hungry, right?

 

You would think after having three children, I would know better what to expect when it comes to the table mannerisms of kids. But I'm telling you, it surprises me every time to witness my offspring assert their opinions about food. I know I am not alone. I think one of the biggest reasons that feeding our kids becomes such a challenge is that we lack a proper understanding of the normal nutritional stages that are a part of a child's healthy development.

 

With my older two girls, I felt like super mom. I breastfed them exclusively until 6 months of age and then made their baby food from scratch. I seasoned their purees with cumin, chili powder, cayenne pepper and curry, in hopes of raising young food lovers with an impressive food repertoire and tolerance for spice. (If reading this makes you gag and you are suddenly overcome with a strange desire to hire a hit man to take me out in the night, I get it. But please do read on). And for the first little while, my plan worked. My girls ate wonderfully and I was frequently complimented on my "amazing eaters" whilst I secretly patted myself on the back for my incredible parenting skills and for mastering this hard art of feeding.

 

And then things changed. Ha. Suddenly my eldest began refusing vegetables and whined constantly that things were "too spicy." I knew I wasn't supposed to force her to eat but that rule didn't apply to vegetables, right? I mean, what kid eats vegetables voluntarily? If she didn't eat some sort of green, certainly she keel over and die.

 

Friends, if you have ever been in a similar boat, I know it is so unbelievably frustrating when your kids suddenly shift in their eating habits. But let me assure you, the Division of Responsibility that I blogged about here truly does provide a better approach to feeding that does not involve force. But before we even implement that, I think it is so important that we have a good understanding of some of the key development phases that kids go through when it comes to nutrition and eating.

 

The "Almost-Toddler" (8-12 month old): a child may suddenly refuse to eat unless allowed to do it his or herself.

 

This behavior can easily be mistaken as food rejection when in actuality, it is a bid for autonomy. This is partially what I think was going on with my son the other day with he started freaking out over breakfast. Don't give up when your baby pushes away a food once or twice. It can take numerous, numerous, NUMEROUS introductions for a child to realize they like a food and at this age in particular, they might just want you to give them some space and let them do it themselves. It will be messy (guaranteed!) but give them a spoon and let them have at it. Or cut food into tiny pieces and let them pick and choose what they want to eat and in what order.

 

The "Toddler Proper" (15-18 month old): the "eating honeymoon" ends, child grows skeptical and tests limits.

 

This is the phase my eldest was in when she suddenly developed an opinion about anything and everything green and also about spice. It is important to remember that the skepticism and limit-testing behaviors ARE VERY NORMAL. Continue offering foods in accordance with the Division of Responsibility and learn to expect (and be okay with!) plenty of food rejection and therefore food waste. Carry on friends, carry on!!

 

The 2+ Year Old: child leaves the "critical nutrition" period and growth slows significantly (goal at this age is consistent growth, not appetite).

 

It is typically at this age when our red flags raise and we go on high alert. Your child, who used to have an appetite comparable to a college-aged football player, now eats three crumbs over the course of an entire day and you aren't even sure if their intake would be enough to sustain a fly. This drastic change in appetite is alarming and it can be very tempting to leave food out to encourage grazing in hopes of increasing overall intake. At this age, it is important to remember that SLOWED GROWTH IS NORMAL and even desirable in order for our kids to follow their growth curves. Where once we expected rapid weight gain and therefore a very steep upward growth curve during the baby and toddler years, now growth should taper off to a more slow and gradual climb.

 

Preschool and School-Aged Child: becomes more cooperative (want to please), remembers what you say, learns through experience and not head, seems independent but continues to need structure and support of family meals and scheduled snacks.

 

In some ways, this age is glorious. A child who at one point had a very limited food repertoire might start expanding their horizons and trying new things. (Yippee!!) But it also becomes possible to shame ("Look at your brother eating his vegetables so nicely"), motivate, cheerlead or coerce a child into eating how much YOU want them to rather than how much THEY want to. Enjoy this phase but also proceed with caution and be sure to hold up your end of the deal in the Division of Responsibility.

 

If nothing else, I hope you can cling to these tidbits on child growth and development and realize these challenging phases you are going through are NORMAL. My hope is that a better understanding of the inner workings and goings on inside these tiny humans results in greater grace and patience for their seemingly quirky eating behaviors. Now go forth better equipped and feed! :)



Division of Responsibility in Feeding

Remember that time, back in your childhood when you found yourself alone at the table, minutes, maybe hours even after the mealtime had passed, staring a pile of green something-or-other in the face?  Yeah, I think we all do.  Our parents' "You may NOT get down from the table until your plate is clean!" echoes fresh in our minds like it was just yesterday.  They meant well, really they did, but I think there are better ways to raise up healthy eaters.

Last year, I had the privilege of speaking to my Mother's of Preschoolers (MOPS) group on the topic of nutrition.  Although I am a "nutrition expert" by title, let me assure you that I'm right there in the trenches with you, maneuvering the challenges of feeding my own kids.  Feeding children is HARD and I've watched many-a-mealtime go downhill as it morphed into a battle of wills.  My growing passion is to help change the way families approach the table by removing some of the power struggles that can easily develop around food and mealtimes.  Since our kids will not reside under our roofs forever, my goal is to help others empower their kids to make their own good choices.  I hope to offer tips and tidbits on this blog that will give practical ideas to assist in this process.  Are you concerned with the way your child eats?  Join the club!  And read on. :)

In our society, there is so much focus on WHAT to feed our kids and so little focus on HOW to feed them.  I'll fess up.  I like to go "under cover" when we go to my kids' well check ups.  Who knows, maybe it's written in giant red letters on the outside of each of their charts "SHE'S A DIETITIAN" but really, I just want to know what doctors are telling "normal" people without a nutrition background about feeding their kids.  Granted, my children have an incredible pediatrician and you couldn't pay me enough to ever switch to anyone else.  And they have received wonderful medical care through the course of their lives.  But, I must confess I've been a bit surprised by scarcity of how-to feeding guidance that has been provided to me.

So if you're looking for a little more guidance on this big, rather important topic, I think I can point you to some things that can help.  The first thing I want to introduce you to is the Division of Responsibility, also known as "The Golden Rule of Feeding."  This approach to feeding kids was created by a fellow dietitian, Ellyn Satter, and I would highly recommend her book Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense if you are struggling with feeding your kiddos.  She also has a wonderful website with a lot more information if you are looking for additional resources. 

This Division of Responsibilities is an absolute must if one hopes to eliminate food fights and it sets clear ground rules for how mealtimes work in the home.  It differentiates the parents' role from the child's role when it comes to feeding:

THE PARENT is responsible for...

-WHAT

-WHEN

-WHERE

...foods are offered.

THE CHILD is responsible for...

-HOW MUCH

-WHETHER

...they choose to eat.

If I totally just blew your mind, go back and read it again.  And yes, I just said your kid gets to decide whether or not to eat what you serve.  Don't bail on me and call it all blasphemy just yet.  When I first learned about this feeding methodology, it went against nearly every grain in my body and I didn't think there was any way it could "work."  I am a control freak.  And I am the responsible adult.  Of course I should have a say when it comes to what my kids eat.  Certainly my kids won't eat vegetables if I make it optional?  

And the truth is, sometimes they don't eat vegetables.  A lot of times, actually.  But then there are random days like yesterday when I come home from work and they can't stuff their little faces with enough strips of red bell pepper.  So the thing is, I totally do have a say when it comes to what my kids eat.  My responsibility of choosing which foods to prepare and offer gives me a degree of control, at least when we are eating at home (when they are in others' homes, we are at the mercy of our hosts but I firmly believe that is healthy and ok).  Though they can opt to refuse what I serve, if I only serve nutritious options and don't break the division of responsibility and allow them to short order something else for dinner, then what they consume will be healthy.  You would be amazed at how many battles are instantaneously defused when a child realizes you aren't going to force them to eat.  And thankfully one meal or one week of meals or even one month of meals isn't the be all end all.  If food fights are commonplace in your home right now and you wouldn't exactly describe your child's diet as "healthy," take heart.  You certainly aren't alone!  There is much more I could say but in efforts to keep my posts short and sweet, I'll save it for another day. Stay tuned!