Monday, February 22, 2016

Called to more

This is the most excited I have been about a Monday that I can remember. Mid-winter break has come to a close and this introverted mama is toasting her first moment of silence in TEN STRAIGHT DAYS with a glass of chocolate milk to commemorate the occasion.

Every time I write something like this, fear seizes me. How will I come across? How will I be judged? Will my love for me kids be evident despite the fact that the most appealing thing to me right now is the sound of my kids heading BACK to school (or maybe out of town for a week???) so that I can have a moment to gather myself? Forgive me, Children. One day you will understand.

These feelings are hard and painful and raw. Consider yourself warned. This past week nearly undid me. TWICE. The school "break-for-kids-but-not-for-mama" blind-sided me, arriving so quickly on the heels of Christmas vacation. I felt totally ill-prepared. It wasn't until the week prior that I realized it was approaching. I scrambled to get my act together and worked hard to arrange fun and unique activities for the kids to show them a good time. The kids had a blast - there is no question about that - but by the end of the week, little of me remained. I had been reduced to a very exhausted, barely-functioning mama who failed to make space for quiet and reprieve. The kids had drained every last ounce of me with their persistent talking, fighting, their never ending needs and I could feel myself snapping.

I wanted the children GONE. Every last one of them. I felt like I was being suffocated and needed to come up for air. And then I felt guilty for even feeling these feelings. You guys, I FEEL ALL OF THE FEELS and last week those feels were icky and yucky and real.

The acute emotions of the week are now behind me. But rather than denouncing all of them, I am doing my best to sit here in my feelings and wrestle. Brene' Brown calls this internal struggle "rumbling." It is the process of getting curious about our feelings. I don't agree with everything she says in her book (I think there is a whole spiritual aspect that is lacking) but I love what she says about reckoning with our emotions and rumbling with our stories. And this rumbling is certainly uncomfortable.

I could choose to look at the week and takeaway from it that I am an epic failure. That I'm not cut out for this job as a mom, that I'm terrible at it, or that I don't love my kids enough. OR I could lean in deeper and listen to the small nudgings of the Lord who I believe is at work here whispering "Stop fighting me. I made you just as you are. And the reason you feel unsettled in your heart is because I have called you to more."

When I quit my (paid) job back in July, my hope was to venture into a new season. I had visions of pursuing this love of writing and food and nutrition and even speaking, all the while making sure to accompany it with a heavy dose of self-care. I hoped to replace the block of time I spent at my old job with time dedicated toward delving into this new "work" of exploring my passions and figuring out where the heck this all might lead. Unfortunately, life never pans out the way we hope and I've been feeling a little lost in this season at home. There are days where I absolutely love it - the freedom I now experience with my schedule. But I am also struggling as I watch my dreams and passions sit dormant on the shelf, overtaken by life and unprotected by me.

Graham has really stepped up to the plate and has offered me time every Friday to dapple in this new "work" but that time has been extremely hard to defend and, quite frankly, one doesn't launch a new career in just 3 or 4 hours a week. I beginning to see now that everything came to a head this week for a purpose. It is now clearer to me than ever that I don't just want to do this new work, I need to do it. I am called to it.

I am called to more.

1 comment:

  1. you may not like this comment but think SEASONS of life. You are in the midst of the intensive care stage with your kids. You certainly shouldn't be hard on yourself if stuff just doesn't happen like you imagined it would. Things will change in a few years. I also think its ok to tell your kids to not talk to you or "bug" you or ask any questions for a while in the day. You are not rejecting them but teaching them that they are not the center of the universe. You can't be "on " every minute. It gets better and you are not alone in craving time to do ..... (what ever) My calling lay dormant in a way for a number of years. I was still in music and all the time learning, but not actually leading music/worship which I came to see as my "ah this is it" calling a little later.


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